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Random thoughts on
Computer dating, answering the personals, singles groups, blind dates

Probably the first thing to address is shyness or inexperience in meeting people.

One of the greatest pleasures of the singles group I was in was watching someone come into the club and be completely unable to bring themselves to approach another person and then learn that it was no big deal and begin to do it. It is extremely rewarding to help someone make this change.

There are two things to learn:

1. Most people will not react poorly to your attempt to make conversation. It will usually work even though it may surprise them.

2. If they do react poorly it shows their ignorance and hang-ups and not yours.

If you are unable to do this you must practice it!
Practice always speaking to the person at the checkout at the grocery store, or any other places you  routinely go. This is not Boston, it's Colorado Springs. Of course you don't want to initiate conversation with scary people, but practice saying hi to those who aren't.

I used to be horrible at speaking up on a chance encounter or pursuing a conversation that someone else struck up. Even now , with much experience making contact, I sometimes still forget what I have learned and find myself thinking later, "Why the heck did I do that, she showed interest and I didn't respond".
Always respond, unless you think the person is dangerous. You will meet all sorts of interesting people this way. Life will become better.

When I went to school in Boston once for two weeks I took the subway every day at the same time and then walked a mile to school. On the first day I passed a woman coming the other way  and said good morning. There was no response. Every morning we would pass and I would acknowledge her presence with a good morning. On the last day I was there she said good morning back.

If you find someone interesting tell them. When I had been associated with a singles group for many years one night I met a woman who was quite interesting, who I was attracted to.

So this time when we had chatted for a while something made me say at closing, "I have really enjoyed talking to you. Several times in the past I have seen an interesting woman or met her and then she would never come to the meeting again. I don't want that to happen with you. Could we go out for coffee or something?" She said "Lets see if we can find coffee somewhere. "

We lived together for 12 years and I helped raise her children and  just found pictures of her grand kids in the mail. In a conversation years later the subject came up and she told me she had been very disappointed in the group that night we met and had decided that she wouldn't come back. Make sure you communicate your interest if you have some.     Communicate.

If you are not interested in someone and they are interested in you  be careful how you tell them  you aren't interested in them . Do your part to keep them encouraged and open and help them on their hunt.
"I Enjoyed having lunch with you. I am a very laid back and un-ambitious person and you are a dynamo who knows where she is going and will get there. We would probably drive each other nuts. I wish you luck on your hunt for a partner. Have you checked out the (beats me) group? they seem to have lots of members that are career oriented and full of energy." Or some such...

Some people communicate by just not writing back. I have been stood up on the first date by several that were poor correspondents when we were e-mailing,  I would occasionally fire off a second letter when they didn't reply. This may or may not be a sign they are not interested. I only lately have accepted no response as a way to communicate disinterest.  On my own part I still much prefer being direct. Accept that different people act different ways.

My experience with internet dating has been almost completely positive. I have had possibly 60 contacts off and on over several years and only one person I was really uncomfortable corresponding with.  She quit writing when I simply told her I no longer wanted to write.  There are a lot of good interesting people out there.

I have typed with a dozen for a while until one of us lost interest. I've been out to breakfast with 5, two of which found me interesting and one that I found interesting, but so far I have not found a match where we both were interested. From past experience with computer dating, answering the ads in a local paper and  answering the ads in a singles paper, this is pretty much normal.

If that seems like bad odds, It's worth it.  I have had two wonderful relationships, one of 12 years  and one of three, that came out of a singles group and answering the local personal adds. I still keep in touch with both women, and we still care about each other. That's pretty good return  for checking out about 30 people for each good match on the average.

There are 2 long term long distance email friendships and a couple of local friends that came from meetings made while hunting a mate, that's a pretty nice benefit too.

So, you may be lucky and find that good match or perfect match on the first try. Probably not. But don't settle for a bad match because you are afraid no one else will come along.

Someone else will always come along. And now on the internet there is an unlimited supply of contacts.
Remember,  "Love is as perennial as the grass". You just need to keep trying and enjoy yourself on the hunt.

The hunt is enjoyable as long as all you expect when going out on a date is a good meal and good company. If you are stood up ( I have been 5 times over the years that I can remember) then you still have your own excellent company to enjoy. Aren't you lucky to avoid a bad mate, and all it cost was being stood up. Wow, what a bargain.

I know that I can't find perfection, I know I'm a long way from perfect myself. But I can hold out for reasonable and friendly and loving and supportive  and a little common ground. That is attainable.

Don't reveal your full real name till you are comfortable with your new contact, meet for at least the first time in a public place.

Changing your e-mail address to something that does not reveal your name costs little, there are also free services to forward your mail that will keep your e-mail address private.

Be careful,
Be a little Picky.

May you find your true soul mate and never have to hunt again.

Fatcat the Tinker

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